Ask Sahaj_ Boyfriend needs to mislead his dad and mom about dwelling collectively

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Expensive Sahaj: My boyfriend and I need to transfer in collectively after courting for over 4 years. We’re each enthusiastic concerning the prospect of transferring in, apart from one main dilemma — he would not need to inform his dad and mom. Wp Get the complete expertise. Select your plan ArrowRight He’s a first-generation American and his Christian dad and mom come from a culturally conservative background. He and his dad and mom are very shut however he’s afraid of his dad and mom’ response if he tells them he needs to maneuver in with me earlier than marriage. His older brother and now-sister-in-law lived collectively for about three years earlier than marriage — with out telling their dad and mom. As an alternative, they lied concerning the sister-in-law’s presence within the dwelling and hid her belongings when his dad and mom came to visit. My accomplice want to do the identical.

I’m additionally a first-generation American, however my relationship with my household is such that I really feel snug telling them that I plan to maneuver in with my boyfriend and am in a position to separate their opinions from my very own. We’ve talked about methods he may separate his dad and mom’ reactions from his decisions however he often says “it’s totally different in my household, you don’t perceive.” We each need to dwell collectively, however I don’t need to sneak round or lie about it for his dad and mom’ sake. What can we do?


— Transfer-In Mess

Observe Sahaj Kaur Kohli Observe

Expensive Transfer-In Mess: Your boyfriend has totally different values from his dad and mom, so making decisions he is aware of they received’t agree with might be extremely troublesome. For most individuals on this state of affairs, the highway of least resistance entails discovering methods to guard their privateness whereas sustaining a relationship with their dad and mom. This will contain omitting the entire fact as a type of survival.

As adults, these of us hit crossroads the place they should decide: Both proceed to dwell separated and disconnected lives to make their dad and mom completely happy or select authenticity and hope their dad and mom’ love for them is stronger than their beliefs.

Your boyfriend is at this crossroad, and whereas I can empathize along with his issues, there may be probably a much bigger subject right here that impacts you. Your boyfriend is scared to disappoint his dad and mom. You’ll need to mirror on how snug you’re with this, and contemplate how this will play out in your relationship — now and within the long-term. What else is your boyfriend prepared to do to keep away from disappointing his dad and mom? What compromises or behaviors would that require from you?


Your boyfriend’s worry of disappointment has resulted in realized battle avoidance, and I can’t assist however surprise: Is that this conduct part of a bigger sample the place he places his dad and mom’ emotions earlier than yours?

I’m additionally interested in his household. If transferring in collectively is a step towards making a much bigger dedication, you should have a relationship along with his dad and mom for years to return. Do they find out about you, and are they typically supportive of your relationship? Is there anything at play — like, does your boyfriend really feel indebted to his dad and mom? Are there different components of his way of life that he hides from his dad and mom?

After we withhold components of ourselves from others, we don’t simply maintain them from understanding and loving who we actually are; we additionally do a disservice to ourselves. That’s your boyfriend’s prerogative, however now he’s asking and anticipating you to do the identical.


Separating others’ opinions from yours requires understanding the place you and your sense of self finish and the place the opposite individual begins. This may be actually painful for first-generation People whose dad and mom exerted a variety of management over them and generally have unrealistically excessive expectations.

Your boyfriend at present might not have the power to simply accept the results or have the instruments to emotionally regulate after setting boundaries. He additionally appears to battle with the fact that disappointing individuals is inevitable. You appear to be on a distinct web page about being sincere and dealing with the repercussions.

You’ll be able to’t make your boyfriend do something he doesn’t need to, however you do get to determine what you’re okay with. Resides collectively earlier than marriage nonnegotiable to you? Are you okay with ready to dwell collectively when you and your boyfriend have an understanding of how he’ll work towards addressing this subject along with his dad and mom? Or are you upset by this, however finally okay with transferring ahead and mendacity to his dad and mom?


It could be uncomfortable to advocate for your self, however as your boyfriend considers his subsequent transfer, it’s crucial that he is aware of your emotions — particularly as this choice impacts you. It doesn’t matter what, keep in mind which you could assist him however you may’t do the work for him. In circumstances like this, particular person and couple’s remedy might be helpful.

A method or one other, this subject is inescapable. You both construct a life round it, otherwise you tackle it head on.

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